The Cold of Cyberspace
Posted in Opinions, Rants, and Musings on February 21st, 2008It is late at night as I write this, and the house is generally quiet, making only the inexplicable noises a house makes. The solitude one feels at night is universal, I think, but the solitude felt by the writer is of a particular kind, one that I’m not sure everyone can relate to. Or, if the solitude is universal, then perhaps what makes the experience of it unique to the writer is that the writer attempts to alleviate it, and the loneliness that comes with it, through the writing. And this is not easily done, because writing is by necessity a product of solitude, and it is the afterbirth, what solitude leaves behind. So it is that when a writer looks back over their collected works, they are looking at the accumulation of a series of solitudes, of times spent alone. And much of time spent alone is time spent lonely, and time spent lonely is the worst kind of time there is. There are those who believe in purgatory, and those who believe in hell. Of the ones who believe in hell, the more unimaginative picture flame and demons and pitchforks. But I think this version of hell, if it is what waits for eternity, would be a pleasure compared to isolation, for if you are being tortured for your misdeeds, at least you have for company your tormentor. How much worse is it, and how much worse it would be, to be bereft and robbed of sensation, and to know that you would remain conscious of yourself but be alone, eternally alone, with nothing but a wide open space and the big quiet. To know that you would never again hear sound, even if it be a derisive call in the voice of one’s most hated enemy. No, that truly would be hell for me, to be always and forever alone, until I had progressed so far beyond madness that I had reached a kind of sanity after sanity, where the clarity of vision had so advanced that I could see things about myself and my surroundings and the universe that mortal human was not ever meant to see.
Why such bleak thoughts? The isolation of the night, only? I think part of it might be that these past few weeks have been my first experiences with “blogging,” and there’s something about the process that is unsettling to me. When I write using a computer, that is to say write fiction in any of its many forms, I am using the computer merely as a substitute for paper and pencil, for the sake of convenience. Though technology has always been my enemy, due to my inability to ever make it do the things I want it to, in this day and age a computer is more or less a necessity, and I have accepted that. But when I write a blog, like this one, I’m not writing it with the eventual thought that it will be printed out and be a story that I can hold in my hand and read by turning the pages, as a story was meant to be read, but rather that I will press a button and it will be “published,” (I find this very term laughable, as it is not what I consider publication at all) to the web; it will be sent out into cyberspace like a capsule launched out of earths’ orbit, and it is the inky blackness of whatever is out there that will receive it. For, as I try to picture what cyberspace is like, I can’t help but break the term down to its root word “space,” a place and thing about which much is theorized, but precious little is actually known. “Space” is real; we have visited it, albeit in fragile metallic shells while the vacuum roared and the crushing cold slid pressingly by outside, but “cyberspace” is like Never-Neverland, a place of invention to which we may desire to travel, but which we might never truly attain. There is no vehicle in which we might traverse the void of cyberspace, and that, I think, is why I become nervous with the prospect of writing these thoughts and shooting them off into the nothingness, not knowing what alien life forms might be reading them, or if they understand the meaning of the words.
Yes, technology now is strange to me, though I am still deemed young in terms of modern life expectancy. I have no doubt that as I grow older it will become more so. I will struggle to keep up- in this I feel I also have no choice, and so this will not be the last time I try to acclimate myself to a new medium. But I have only dread of the future, in terms of the technological advancements it promises, for I feel that they will become only more unknowable, more vaguely defined, more alien. And if hell for me is a nothing that stretches forever, without human contact and without even the semblance of form, and the cyberspace I picture in my head is in every way similar to that, is it not a stretch to say that it is my intention, when I “publish” this message, to send it shooting straight off into hell? I almost don’t want to do it. I feel as though my posting, my “blog,” will be as lonely out there as I myself would be. But I feel that I must do so anyway, if only to plumb the depths. I am taking a sounding, with this message, of the depths. Will I recieve a reply? That is not something I have control over. Very well. I await an answer…